Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
