if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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