Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Randomize
