I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
