i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize
