They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
