No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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