After last night, I could never be a politician.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
where are you?
Hypothermia
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Randomize
