i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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