I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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