Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
