4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
