I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
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