i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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