i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
