I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
