i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
