well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize
