We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
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