... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
