The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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