I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
