If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
