She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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