Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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