in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
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