Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Randomize
