Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
