So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
