i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
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