those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
