Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
