Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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