WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
