My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
