apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
