Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
