Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
