I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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