God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Randomize
