Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
