I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
