I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
