Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Randomize
