I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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