when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
