the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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