Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
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