the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
