I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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