Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
