If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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