I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
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