my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Randomize
