this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
