Do you still have your period?
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
