You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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