Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
