I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
My vagina just clenched in fear
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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