I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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