Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
