My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
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